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Chairman's Selections: Sales Pitches
Life Stories | Sales Pitches | Nonsense | Poetry | Vulgarity
1 | 2022-07-13 | Gage He <>
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line. If you are dyslexic, press retard. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
2 | 2022-04-01 | Andris Liepa <>
Hello,

I am a businessman and investor from Latvia, looking to launder and possibly double the money I acquired from bank robbery in Bosnia. I am also very interested in human trafficked mail order brides, as my ugly face is not attractive enough for local women.

Will also gladly accept any investments in my cow prostitution business (free demonstration available, blindfold and condoms required). If you wish to participate, please choose from our selection of services below:
-Cow anal
-Cow oral
-Cow CBT (Cock and Ball Torture)
-Cow bondage play
-Reverse cow anal (the cow fucks you)

Also, let me know if you find out what has happened to my grandfather Markuss Zirgstīgstrinkšķināminstruments Kardioradikulomieroneirīts Zirgēdājs Daunis Pakaļa Liepa.

-Andris Liepa

3 | 2022-01-13 | Sunday Monkey <>Chairman Approved
Step back nonbelievers, or the rain will never come! When I was a small child of 6 or 7 I used to hitchhike to my dealer's house to score an 8 ball. I especially liked it when old unwashed men in vans with filthy curtains in the windows would stop to pick me up. Some of the men had long bushy beards with many days food nestled inside thatch of pubic bread and they would allow me to feed. Others had ravens or starlings or tanagers living within the thatch and in the beards of those men I knew such delicacies as I bit through beak and wing. The song of tiny birds being eaten from a pervert's filthy beard re-wires the pleasure centers of a 6 year old's brain in ways normal people can never understand. One day I bite in too far and I chew off old man's chin and many teeth as well. In our village of Encino, California we have a saying: You are not a man until you have accidentally eaten another man's lower jaw. So at age of 6 I become man. Now I have many filthy van of my own and
I am hiring the filthy men to drive and provide the same filthy experience to every boy who wants eat from the filthy beard. So I am rich beyond wild dreams
4 | 2021-12-07 | Vera Anderson <>
Once upon a time in a mysterious, strange and far-away land called Texas, lived Vera Anderson.
A widower to a wealthy businessman who tragically died in mysterious circumstances involving an American flag, a 6 pack of beer and an eagle, she inherited his husbands property along with $30,000,000.
But that would soon turn out to be short lived, as she now suffers from an unfortunate illness called rumpy-pumpy, and she may only have days to live.
She now must go on a quest to donate her $30,000,000 to a a completely random charitable stranger via email before she dies of rumpy-pumpy.
Coming never to a cinema nowhere near you:
100 LEGIT AND RISK-FREE 2: Electric Boogaloo
Ticket price: $100,000,000
5 | 2021-11-27 | Spamton G. Spamton <>
HEY EVERY !! IT'S ME!!!
EV3RY BUDDY 'S FAVORITE [[Number 1 Rated Salesman1997]]
SPAMTON G. SPAMTON!!
I HAVE A VERY SPECIL [Deal] FOR YOU!
I WILL GIVE YOU [Deal Insurance] ONLY FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF 1000 KROMER. AN AWESOME PRICE.! AN ABSOLUTELY [[Terrifying]] PRICE PRICES SO LOW, EVERYONE I KNOW IS [[Dead]]!!!
BELIEVE IT OR !! I USED TO be A BIG SHOT. THE BIGGEST!!! BUT NOW... I NEED A LITTLE [[Genorisity]]
DON'T YOU WANNA BE A [Big Shot]!
THAT'S RIGHT!! NOW'S YOUR CHANCE TO BE A [[BIG SHOT]]!!
AND I HAVE JUST.
THE THING.
YOU NEED.
THAT'S
[[Hyperlink Blocked]]
6 | 2021-06-17 | Luc Deni <>
I am Lucinious Alfred Denistan. I am the CEO of Sparklely Buttplugs Incorperated. We provide all your sparklely buttplug needs! Need one in extra large? We can come and measure to insure a nice fit! Wearenotresponsibleforanydeathsthatcomefromourproducts.
7 | 2021-03-06 | Ralf Poonani <>
I promise I am not just another pillow biter. I only need my stool pushed in. I am looking for donations for my uphill gardeners club. Please contact me. I am ready for a good blumpkin.
8 | 2021-02-15 | Ryan Jones <>
Special elongation method

Husband Finds Special Elongation Method From African Tribesmen

African Elongation Ritual

Discover the little known African trick to get a bigger, stronger penis in just a few weeks

Continue watching video

Or read the full story now

9 | 2020-07-07 | Father Reginald Strudel <>
Kinky Christianity is the belief that we can live good rich and enjoyable lives without adhering to false man made religious superstitions and beliefs surrounding our natural, God given sexual urges and healthy desires.

As Kinky Christian's, we make sense of the world using reason, experience and shared Christian values. We make the best of the life we have on earth by creating meaning and purpose through responsible and safe sexual unison. We take responsibility for our actions and work with others for the common good of mankind and in the name of our Father, the Lord Jesus Christ.

Sexual freedom in the church is important for internal spiritual happiness and understanding. Sex has a beauty all its own and-wonder of wonders!-God invented it. Once you realize that God himself created sex, then your whole attitude about the most pleasurable and fulfilling experience in life should change for the better.

10 | 2020-07-05 | Randy <>
This is a test of the national horny alert system. Had this been an actual horny, official dick pics would have followed.
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