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Chairman's Selections: Sales Pitches
1 | 2023-11-01 | Heidi Hole <firstname.lastname@example.org>
I am looking for business proposals from someone who is looking to make money like I am. I really need help, as I had a VERY lucrative job at a top secret government laboratory. However, the mutant rats we were working on became too intelligent, escaped and enslaved all of my colleagues in the nearby sewers. As you can imagine, I'm in a lot of trouble following this and I can't let the government know that I am looking to make money now that I cannot go back to my job at the lab. Worst yet, some of the rats have become internet scammers...truly the lowest variety of vermin. This is why I have come here to look for upstanding, honest business people who want to assist me. I'm sure that with my scientific knowledge and your business smarts, we can become VERY rich! Please get back to me ASAP. Thank you.
2 | 2023-08-03 | Glenn M Case <email@example.com>
🚗💔 Dearest friends, 🙏🏼💫 My soul is laid bare as I write this heartfelt plea, desperately reaching out for a glimmer of hope. 😢💕
🚀🌌 The desire to own a Tesla consumes me day and night, 🌠💭 a dream that feels like an insurmountable mountain, towering before me. 💸💔 Life's challenges have kept me from saving enough, and the weight of this unfulfilled longing bears heavily on my spirit. 😭💔
🌟🎁 I humbly beseech you, if there's even a sliver of possibility in your heart, grant me this profound wish. 🙏🏼💖 With each electrifying moment behind the wheel, I'll be reminded of your benevolence and the power of compassion. 😢🤗
💓🚗 Let me immerse myself in the profound joy of driving a Tesla, a joy that surpasses words and transcends mere transportation. 🚀🌈 I promise to cherish this gift, to cherish the belief you've instilled in me, and to pay it forward whenever possible. 💫🌠
📝💌 Your act of kindness would be a lifeline, breathing life into dreams that seemed unattainable. 🌟💕 Please, be my hero, and let me soar towards a future filled with hope, gratitude, and purpose. 🚀🙌🏼
With a heart full of longing and hope,
Glenn M Case 😢💓🚗
3 | 2023-05-26 | Beathe Scheuert <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Selling my soul (unused) serious inquiries only please
4 | 2023-01-28 | Stan <email@example.com>
My niece set me up this email because she thought it would be good for business to have an "online contact." I told her that this was probably a bad idea but she insisted. Is this how I'm supposed to do this internet thing? Wait, I'm not supposed to write this? Well what am I supposed to write, Mabel? What? I have voice typing on? What's voice typing? Oh, I should just write about myself and the business? Okay. I'm Stan Pines, owner and operator of the Mystery Shack in Gravity Falls, Oregon. Come on down here if you want to see a world of mystery! Just... If you see anything weird around the town, don't worry about it. It's probably just your imagination. Probably. We have fun here. Here at the Mystery Shack, we have many weird, amazing creatures that will leave you stunned and bewildered! I am setting up this email address to provide a way for you, the customer, to provide valuable feedback that I will ignore. Huh? I'm not supposed to write that?
Is that good Mabel? I still have voice typing on? How do I delete words?
5 | 2022-11-27 | U. D. Craze <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Hello, this is U.D. Craze, the Independent Consultant of the British West Africa Trade Company. An oil rig belonging to a partner of the company, O-She-Bay International, has recently concluded a large number of contracts for oil exploration in the sub-Sahara region, between the Ghanian border and your mother's house. The contracts have immediately produced moneys equalling ₦4,500,000. However, because of certain regulations of the Nigerian Government and threats from the local area boys, it is unable to move these funds to Nigeria properly.
That is why I offer you a business proposal; I would like to offer my dick in your mama's mouth. That's right, sir, my penis inside your mother's oral cavity. And the reason I offer this simple deal is because your fada, who is a mugu, a bastard, ode oshi, anuofia, efulefu, onye nzuzu and has given birth to a lowborn scammer like you. Your mama, who was born into a caste of ugly, inbred ashawo, got and nearly died in childbirth to create the biggest idiot aboki who ever graced upon this land. adiok ono fi, koni dafun baba mugu, you dey craze.
So, in conclusion, go fuck your mama, then your sister, then I will enter the spirit realm so I can fuck all of your ancestors and the god you pray to (I bet it's Eshu). Ogun kill your fada and chop you, thunder fire you and lightning strike you dead, small boy. Bayi jẹ alabaṣepọ iṣowo to dara ki o pa ararẹ.
6 | 2022-07-13 | Gage He <email@example.com>
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line. If you are dyslexic, press retard. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
7 | 2022-04-01 | Andris Liepa <firstname.lastname@example.org>
I am a businessman and investor from Latvia, looking to launder and possibly double the money I acquired from bank robbery in Bosnia. I am also very interested in human trafficked mail order brides, as my ugly face is not attractive enough for local women.
Will also gladly accept any investments in my cow prostitution business (free demonstration available, blindfold and condoms required). If you wish to participate, please choose from our selection of services below:
-Cow CBT (Cock and Ball Torture)
-Cow bondage play
-Reverse cow anal (the cow fucks you)
Also, let me know if you find out what has happened to my grandfather Markuss Zirgstīgstrinkšķināminstruments Kardioradikulomieroneirīts Zirgēdājs Daunis Pakaļa Liepa.
8 | 2021-12-07 | Vera Anderson <email@example.com>
Once upon a time in a mysterious, strange and far-away land called Texas, lived Vera Anderson.
A widower to a wealthy businessman who tragically died in mysterious circumstances involving an American flag, a 6 pack of beer and an eagle, she inherited his husbands property along with $30,000,000.
But that would soon turn out to be short lived, as she now suffers from an unfortunate illness called rumpy-pumpy, and she may only have days to live.
She now must go on a quest to donate her $30,000,000 to a a completely random charitable stranger via email before she dies of rumpy-pumpy.
Coming never to a cinema nowhere near you:
100 LEGIT AND RISK-FREE 2: Electric Boogaloo
Ticket price: $100,000,000
9 | 2021-11-27 | Spamton G. Spamton <firstname.lastname@example.org>
HEY EVERY !! IT'S ME!!!
EV3RY BUDDY 'S FAVORITE [[Number 1 Rated Salesman1997]]
SPAMTON G. SPAMTON!!
I HAVE A VERY SPECIL [Deal] FOR YOU!
I WILL GIVE YOU [Deal Insurance] ONLY FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF 1000 KROMER. AN AWESOME PRICE.! AN ABSOLUTELY [[Terrifying]] PRICE PRICES SO LOW, EVERYONE I KNOW IS [[Dead]]!!!
BELIEVE IT OR !! I USED TO be A BIG SHOT. THE BIGGEST!!! BUT NOW... I NEED A LITTLE [[Genorisity]]
DON'T YOU WANNA BE A [Big Shot]!
THAT'S RIGHT!! NOW'S YOUR CHANCE TO BE A [[BIG SHOT]]!!
AND I HAVE JUST.
10 | 2021-06-17 | Luc Deni <email@example.com>
I am Lucinious Alfred Denistan. I am the CEO of Sparklely Buttplugs Incorperated. We provide all your sparklely buttplug needs! Need one in extra large? We can come and measure to insure a nice fit! Wearenotresponsibleforanydeathsthatcomefromourproducts.
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