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Chairman's Selections: Life Stories
Life Stories | Sales Pitches | Nonsense | Poetry | Vulgarity
1 | 2021-08-14 | Akbar Bin Amawhe <>
I am Akbar Bin Amawhe, a fool, a bastard, and a flagrant homo without a license.
2 | 2021-08-05 | Jebediah Gashpunkel <>
Looking to get rich quick after my now sworn enemy - Tedediah (my brother) took all my life savings away from me. I am planning to use this money to concoct a large an convoluted plan to overthrow him as the family head. I have others on my side, but I just need more resources to make the whole thing work.
3 | 2021-08-04 | James Wright <>
My name is James, my father in law recently passed in a freak accident involving a chainsaw and an aquarium. As he took his dying breath, he told me about a secret city buried within the ancient city of Detroit. I followed his instructions, and after many animal sacrifices I was able to summon the ghost of Charles Darwin, who told me how to find the fortune. Returning to my homeland of Austrailia, I spent many months deciphering a code given to me by an Amish Shaman on the plane, saying he had seen our meeting and had been prepared. I finally had almost all.the pieces. Then, tradgey once again struck me family. My wife's sister, my youngest sister, became very ill. I did everything I could, but we had to take her big toe. After amputating with an industrial butcher knife, I noticed some strange tattoos on the bottom of her toe. That's why i got it, the exact location of the hidden fortune! So, I jumped in my car and after a vicious battle with giant mozis, I finally made it to my backyard. The Amish Shaman was there once again, and gave me a delicious mushroom to try. After I had spoken with the illuminous group of beings who had joined us, I found it. In the sole of a dead man's shoe, wedged between two thin gold bars acting as shims, the 1914 Babe Ruth pre-rookie card. To say the least, I am very wealthy now, but my journey has inspired me to help others and now i strive for 2 things. To improve the quality of life for humans, and the utter extinction of dinos.
4 | 2021-06-29 | Michael Anderson <>
Hello. My name is Professor Dr. Sir Attorney Mr. Michael James Peter Henry Anderson Sr. II, but I am commonly known as Mr. Michael James Anderson. I live in the United States of Soviet Republics, which is a landlocked country bordered by Belgium and Vietnam.

A long time ago, I invested in coinBit and became extremely rich. I bought a magnificent estate which I affectionately named Mic Ox: "Mic" comes from my name, while "Ox" is the surname of my wife's grandmother's best friend (my wife insisted on using it). For many years I lived on Mic Ox, until one day, a man known as Anderson James Michael stole a Leclerc tank from the French military and fired a seven-kilogram two-stage long-rod tunsten kinetic penetrator at Mic Ox, which completely obliterated it.

I decided to run away to the nearby country of The Union of Capitalist State Republics. As I escaped riding my camel, Anderson James Michael shot at me with the Leclerc's auto-loading 120mm model F1 GIAT CN120-26/52 smoothbore gun. I eventually reached the UCSR. I informed the police of Anderson James Michael's attack, but they kept replying "я не понимаю английский." How useless.

I am currently living in my great-great-great-great grandfather's great-great-great-great grandson's house, and would desperately like quick ways to earn money or business partnerships that can help me gain back the money I have lost. I'm also suing the camel for not running fast enough.

5 | 2021-06-26 | John Levi marcus <>Chairman Approved
Hey,

I'm John Levi marcus - a retired toilet roll holder. My pension currently cannot support my family of 4 - me, my wife, my son and my rotting dead badger. Life is an everyday challenge, especially because I have a Heathrow airport terminal 4 illness. I'm afraid that I may not have anything to pass on to my wonderful family when I eventually kick the bucket. I did find a Rolex on a dead man's hand the other day, but the pawn shop said I had to remove it from the body first. I also had the misfortune of spilling fruit juice over my stamp collection so I cannot sell them on. In doing so, I ruined my ultra rare stamp which depicted the pope riding a bear over a waterfall, with the wind rushing through his Donald trump style toupee. It was beautiful and worth lots of money and I'm gutted that it is now destroyed.

I would thoroughly appreciate any donations, job proposals and maybe some air freshener because my rotting badger is starting to smell funny.

Thanks,
Warm regards,
John

6 | 2021-06-25 | Norm Peterson <>
"All my life I have dreamed of one thing: the day I could go into a library and go to the card catalog and see my name under "mental illness."
7 | 2021-06-25 | Andy <>Chairman Approved
My name is Maximillian Forbes Bowmaker Huntingdon-Spanks and I was injured by a piece of space debris, namely a Welsh toilet seat while having marital relations with my wife, Lady Jocasta Huntingdon-Spanks in our greenhouse.
The toilet seat smashed through the roof of our greenhouse, passing over my head and shoulders and coming to rest just above waist level trapping my wifes head in the process.
The damage done may not have been so serious had she not been recently fitted with a dental brace to cure her overbite.
My wife may have choked had it not been for the quick thinking of our head gardener Albert Spanks, (no relation) who came to our rescue armed with a pair of garden shears, a leaf blower and a rather feral bottle of Châteauneuf-du-Pape with a background note like the armpits of a beautiful girl after three sets of tennis.

I would like to sue the Welsh Space Agency for compensation owing to the fact that I now walk like John Wayne after having undergone penis reconstruction surgery.
I know it was the Welsh Space Agency's fault as the toilet seat had 'Made in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch' written on it and a logo of a red dragon urinating onto the national flag of England ....
Looking forward to a large wodge of cash as compensation for not only myself but also for my good lady wife who has been seriously trumatised by this severely distressing event.
kind regards
Maximillian Forbes Bowmaker Huntingdon-Spanks

8 | 2021-06-16 | Max Mikropenis (0.8 cm) <>
Have gorilla dick (1.2 cm)
am horny
pls sex
or curry scammer i also like :slight_smile:
9 | 2021-05-16 | Amo Pohster <>
My second remaining organ has an infection in it and it is cold to the touch and is black as tar.
Please help.
10 | 2021-04-30 | Dr Chima Chekwas <>
Dear Royal Obah Chief Daughter,pls,i was born by care tiger chief priest doctor in nigeria and am living in Lome-Togo,as a second hand cotton shirt wears trader.moreover,i will like to marry u,as my successful wife,in catholic saint mary vodun-illuminati,but there is no money for me right now,due to,my care Daddy is late.Please can u really help me with some money,to build magazines and houses and marry u.Thanks for real understanding.
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