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Chairman's Selections: Life Stories
Life Stories | Sales Pitches | Nonsense | Poetry | Profanity
1 | 2023-11-21 | IIIIIII <>
i killed myself one day when a rat wanted to eat my ballss
2 | 2023-10-29 | Jim Rivets <>
I've lost everything in one year. My construction business was doing great, I finally had enough money for my wife to sleep in the same bed as me, but it all fell apart when every single employee died at my birthday party because of disease. I was forced to finish construction on an apartment complex all by myself but I was so exhausted that I got confused and put the top half a little too far to the left, so when the residents started renting the upper floors it fell into the river and everyone drowned. Now I have to pay $2,000 in damages and apologize to a bunch of people and my wife hates me because I lost all my money to scammers additionally. I just need some money for fast food.
3 | 2023-08-14 | Parkinson Wilkinson <>
Help give some money to a poor man. I was born a dog but then my mother decided to identify as a cat, so I had to become a catboy. Had sex with a rat in the sewer, now I have 200 children and get another $1 million worth of debt every day paying child support. Worked at a bar once, then got fired because I was not allowed to "hump the customers". Looking for jobs, monies, guymans, and sugar daddy to help my extreme desire for more gay sex.
4 | 2023-01-20 | Bryce Allen <>
Hello. I am Bryce Allen.
I was born in a poor village in Nigeria.
I was so ugly that my parents abandoned me in a field.
A wild dog found me, and raised me as her own.
A crazy Catholic priest found me at 10, raised me to be his gigolo, and sent me off on my own at 18, when I was no longer attractive to him.
I found a boat, and took it to Spain, where I was bitten by rattlesnakes, and spend 3 weeks in hospital, until I was deported by ICE to Nigeria again.
Finally, I got a job in an internet cafe in Lagos working as a scam artist.
Please send me money.

Pretty please?

5 | 2022-12-14 | John <>
Once upon a time a man had very big balls. He dragged his balls across everything.
6 | 2022-12-09 | Mary Ramirez <>
How does one facilitate the mating process? I have exhausted all possible positive overtures towards my potential female mate, and I deign to acknowledge that my advances have been met with a cold, dismissive response. I have attempted to establish rapport with the subject via a series of rehearsed jokes and small-talk, but alas, they simply do not find camaraderie in my sophisticated sense of humor. More assertive and direct advancement techniques, including overtly flirtatious remarks and body language were met with much faster, more abrupt attempts to disengage from the social interaction. I simply do not understand the flaw in my social interaction strategies. I am a good-looking male human, and I need a partner with which to ensure the continuation of my gene line. Is not my sophistication sufficient to convince members of the opposite sex that I am prime mating material? From whence have I erred in this most frustrating courting dance?
7 | 2022-08-20 | Anne Richan Smith <>
when i was born neither of my parents showed up to claim me, so the nurse trew me out of the window and i landed on a truck heading to an orphanage, unfortunately it burned out at that smae day so the truck detoured to a dumpster, where i lived for 15 years (i think), then i came out of the dumpster for the very first time and went to school to see what it was, i got bad grades but i still graduated and now i work at a car pieces vending store, if you are reading this, either talk to me or give me some bussiness opportuniuties, either way i would be grateful -anne richan smith
8 | 2022-05-20 | Dave <>
My life story.
So yeah a while ago, I was at the gym, i was i was flexing a bit, working on my quads my glutoids my deltoids my trihaptoids and my polygons, and ill admit I was looking pretty damn good, sweat dripping off my chiselled abs in the sunlight and I looked over to my right and saw, I saw the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on, I tell you. She was gorgeous, rich dark hair, big blue eyes, perfect figure, the hole shebang, and I looked over to her and I winked, she looked over to me, one hand in her hair and giggled, but the game we were playing didn't last long because suddenly a guy came in trying to rob the gym, I looked into the mirror thinking what am I gonna do? So i picked up the biggest dumbbell did about a hundred reps and knocked the guy clean out with the dumbbell, I was a hero, I saved the day and the girl, she came up to me and said, Wow! How did you do that? I said, all in a days work, she asked me if I wanted to dinner and I said sure, it could be fun. Later that night we went back to my place where we made sweet love and she bore me 8 beautiful children, all of whom were Master and Grandmaster rank in overwatch and each one had an impeccable physique. One day we were all in the park when a group of black guys came up to us, nothing racist about that, they were... I could just tell something was up, y'know they were just up to no good. A few moments later they
9 | 2022-05-06 | Chris Carson <>
I've misplaced all my bones and the doctors say it'll cost two hundred trillion dollars for new ones. Please assist
10 | 2022-05-05 | Buford <>
Well, mama burnt the toast again. It's the third time, so that's gonna be a problem. I'm a 40 year old man with responsibilities and I can't be expected to do everything myself. You'd think I could at least expect the old woman to make my toast the way I like it. How the FUCK am I going to eat toast when it's FUCKING RUINED? ANSWER ME THAT, GUYMAN!! MISTER "I GOT A PLAN TO MOVE ALL THIS MONEY OUTTA THE COUNTRY BECAUSE I'M THE FORMER MINISTER OF FINANCE OF SOME FUCKING JUNGLE REPUBLIC" YOU GOT AN ANSWER FOR THAT FANCY MAN?? I didn't FUCKING think so!
I'll tell you what. I've had enough of this shit. Mama's going to the fucking basement, and don't come looking for her. Email me if you want a used wheelchair that's been shat on by a stupid old woman that CAN'T EVEN MAKE A DECENT FUCKING SLICE OF TOAST!

I'm going to a go-go to get my dance on. Got my stomping' boots and my groove-walker pants and I got my pistols in my pockets, boys. I got 15 dollars and a shiny new tooth and I'll be greasin' back my hair to night. Gonna find me a high heeled woman in a tight dress and we're gonna slap the shit out of each other and spit in each other's face and she's gonna see me dance like a rooster on fire! WOOOOOHOOOO!! HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW MR GUYMAN?? When I'm dancing I don't even stop to go to the bathroom cuz when you're in the zone you just bust out a deuce right there on the dance floor and you don't even miss a beat.

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