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Chairman's Selections: Life Stories
Life Stories | Sales Pitches | Nonsense | Poetry | Profanity
11 | 2022-05-04 | Mythra Xenoblade <>
I often wonder if it was truly the right decision to move to South Georgia and the South Sandwich Islands, in pursuit of the legendary Anime World Portal. The Guru of Survival, Chris Pratt himself, told me it was baloney, to which I responded "no, that's some fine Kentucky
fried Chicken right there my lad." But what I found shocked me. Sitting there right in front of me was your mom. (Who I did. It was great. Ask her, it happened last night.) But then Chris Pratt showed up. It turned out this was Chris Pratt's wife, and he was about to beat me to smithereens, because he was in denial his wife was a lesbian. That's right, I was her awakening, bitch! And this means Chris Pratt is legally your stepfather now. I don't make the rules.

He was so angry at us he decided to send the entire Google Army's forces after us. It turns out Chris Pratt, your uncle, actually works at Nintendo. He contacted Google's Armies to snipe us off the face of the earth. What will you do now, Moogles? The only escape is the Anime World Portal in the South Sandwich Islands, and we've already claimed it. Because we can see the future. Sayonara, suckers! They'll tell of the day Chris Pratt (as CEO of the FBI) destroyed the real world for centuries after your demise!

By the way, you're Gardenia Insurance Ltd. aren't you? I believe you stated that 'Potentially catastrophic and/or world ending damage' and 'Ex's vandalism' were both insured. I would like the promised sum ($690 000.)


12 | 2022-04-27 | Matthew <>
One day.... I was born. Then I heard a neigbours doog borking, so flew to the kitchen to get the frying pan out when I saw the most valuable thing to me at the time- air. Then I grew up and became a man on the spot, got a job, then exploded.. I was sad becas I got detonated "accidentaly" by the unicorn military. So I moved to the US to get a license for driving kamekazi cars that can illegaly fly over the border of Kentucky fried chicken, I flew to the (unicorn) Military base and got setonated again. I was bored so I got a gun and raided and ancient egyptian tomb and killed everyone like the tomb raider on the old playstation one, but more gory like DooM. Then after selling stolen artifacts on the blackmarket I got rich, and bored so I detonated The {UnICORn} military and got poor for spending alot on a nuke to destroy them and conker the warld like Will the conker head. tHen I made a fake passport to get in russia for the holidays and try not get killed. then i got bord and detonated my house that is a million pound and doller mation. then i died and got revived by my nonexistand brother.
13 | 2022-04-23 | Gunter <>
we were overjoyed when father returned from the great war and lived with us again in our stinking house on Kaiserstrasse, but our joy turned to despair when father's bones were shattered by the punching machine. My brother, whose name is Horst, sold himself to the carnival and gave us some change. I've made a fortune showing off my penis to older retirees, but unfortunately I can't remember where I buried the money. However, we are a hard working family and even my sister Irmtraud, who is slow in mind and unable to produce understandable speech, was happy to work in the brothel shit. When Mother learned that a wealthy townsman was looking for a talented blind piano tuner, she drove a red-hot awl through her eye sockets and blinded herself. But alas, she had forgotten that she was deaf, and since there were no vacancies for a blind deaf piano tuner, in her desperation she was glad to drown herself in the deep water that lives in a cave in the forest. Without the many thousands of euros that the ironworks paid father for the loss of his hands, we would be penniless. So being quite gullible and totally lacking in wit, charm, education or morals, we must patiently await news from a craft guyman who will bewitch us with such enticements that we will happily give him all the money we have hidden in a box under the linden tree in our garden.
14 | 2022-03-08 | Max Williams <>
My mum (82F) told me (12M) to do the dishes (16) but I (12M) was too busy playing Fortnite (3 kills) so I (12M) grabbed my controller (DualShock 4) and threw it at her (138kph). She fucking died, and I (12M) went to prison (18 years). While in prison I (12M) incited several riots (3) and assumed leadership of a gang responsible for smuggling drugs (cocaine) into the country. I (12M) also ordered the assassination of several celebrities (Michael Jackson, Elvis Presley and Jeffrey Epstein) and planned a terrorist attack (9/11). Mugu, AITA?
15 | 2022-01-31 | Dred Scott <>
We are two Russian brothers. We enjoy live with mother because still very sexy woman but we know soon mother will start to wrinkly and then needing for her butt to be wiped in the care of professionals. We must finding many moneys for good place for mother because only other option if not have money is take mama for boat ride on Volga River in winter and throw her in the deep black waters for make her perish. Better to have rich money from guyman. Please help.
16 | 2022-01-13 | Sir Smooshyface <>
When I was a little llama, I became accustomed to eating baguettes and drinking mothers milk inside the barn in which my parents kept me. In my free time, I would go outside and play around with my favorite toys or the other little llamas. I quite enjoyed shoving baguettes down the throats of the ones who tried to steal my things and angered me. Eventually, my father taught me how to be true gentleman and I grew a mustache.
17 | 2022-01-13 | Sunday Monkey <>Chairman Approved
Step back nonbelievers, or the rain will never come! When I was a small child of 6 or 7 I used to hitchhike to my dealer's house to score an 8 ball. I especially liked it when old unwashed men in vans with filthy curtains in the windows would stop to pick me up. Some of the men had long bushy beards with many days food nestled inside thatch of pubic bread and they would allow me to feed. Others had ravens or starlings or tanagers living within the thatch and in the beards of those men I knew such delicacies as I bit through beak and wing. The song of tiny birds being eaten from a pervert's filthy beard re-wires the pleasure centers of a 6 year old's brain in ways normal people can never understand. One day I bite in too far and I chew off old man's chin and many teeth as well. In our village of Encino, California we have a saying: You are not a man until you have accidentally eaten another man's lower jaw. So at age of 6 I become man. Now I have many filthy van of my own and
I am hiring the filthy men to drive and provide the same filthy experience to every boy who wants eat from the filthy beard. So I am rich beyond wild dreams
18 | 2021-12-07 | James Haverton <>
Sometimes i wonder about things but usually i just eat beans
19 | 2021-11-26 | jeffery <>
a newborn child in need of a surgery for a bigger nose
20 | 2021-11-18 | Chairman Mao <>
有 人放屁麼大聲,我死而 復生了。- Sun Tzu.
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