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Chairman's Selections: Life Stories
Life Stories | Sales Pitches | Nonsense | Poetry | Profanity
11 | 2022-05-20 | Dave <>
My life story.
So yeah a while ago, I was at the gym, i was i was flexing a bit, working on my quads my glutoids my deltoids my trihaptoids and my polygons, and ill admit I was looking pretty damn good, sweat dripping off my chiselled abs in the sunlight and I looked over to my right and saw, I saw the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on, I tell you. She was gorgeous, rich dark hair, big blue eyes, perfect figure, the hole shebang, and I looked over to her and I winked, she looked over to me, one hand in her hair and giggled, but the game we were playing didn't last long because suddenly a guy came in trying to rob the gym, I looked into the mirror thinking what am I gonna do? So i picked up the biggest dumbbell did about a hundred reps and knocked the guy clean out with the dumbbell, I was a hero, I saved the day and the girl, she came up to me and said, Wow! How did you do that? I said, all in a days work, she asked me if I wanted to dinner and I said sure, it could be fun. Later that night we went back to my place where we made sweet love and she bore me 8 beautiful children, all of whom were Master and Grandmaster rank in overwatch and each one had an impeccable physique. One day we were all in the park when a group of black guys came up to us, nothing racist about that, they were... I could just tell something was up, y'know they were just up to no good. A few moments later they
12 | 2022-05-06 | Chris Carson <>
I've misplaced all my bones and the doctors say it'll cost two hundred trillion dollars for new ones. Please assist
13 | 2022-05-05 | Buford <>
Well, mama burnt the toast again. It's the third time, so that's gonna be a problem. I'm a 40 year old man with responsibilities and I can't be expected to do everything myself. You'd think I could at least expect the old woman to make my toast the way I like it. How the FUCK am I going to eat toast when it's FUCKING RUINED? ANSWER ME THAT, GUYMAN!! MISTER "I GOT A PLAN TO MOVE ALL THIS MONEY OUTTA THE COUNTRY BECAUSE I'M THE FORMER MINISTER OF FINANCE OF SOME FUCKING JUNGLE REPUBLIC" YOU GOT AN ANSWER FOR THAT FANCY MAN?? I didn't FUCKING think so!
I'll tell you what. I've had enough of this shit. Mama's going to the fucking basement, and don't come looking for her. Email me if you want a used wheelchair that's been shat on by a stupid old woman that CAN'T EVEN MAKE A DECENT FUCKING SLICE OF TOAST!

I'm going to a go-go to get my dance on. Got my stomping' boots and my groove-walker pants and I got my pistols in my pockets, boys. I got 15 dollars and a shiny new tooth and I'll be greasin' back my hair to night. Gonna find me a high heeled woman in a tight dress and we're gonna slap the shit out of each other and spit in each other's face and she's gonna see me dance like a rooster on fire! WOOOOOHOOOO!! HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW MR GUYMAN?? When I'm dancing I don't even stop to go to the bathroom cuz when you're in the zone you just bust out a deuce right there on the dance floor and you don't even miss a beat.

14 | 2022-05-04 | Mythra Xenoblade <>
I often wonder if it was truly the right decision to move to South Georgia and the South Sandwich Islands, in pursuit of the legendary Anime World Portal. The Guru of Survival, Chris Pratt himself, told me it was baloney, to which I responded "no, that's some fine Kentucky
fried Chicken right there my lad." But what I found shocked me. Sitting there right in front of me was your mom. (Who I did. It was great. Ask her, it happened last night.) But then Chris Pratt showed up. It turned out this was Chris Pratt's wife, and he was about to beat me to smithereens, because he was in denial his wife was a lesbian. That's right, I was her awakening, bitch! And this means Chris Pratt is legally your stepfather now. I don't make the rules.

He was so angry at us he decided to send the entire Google Army's forces after us. It turns out Chris Pratt, your uncle, actually works at Nintendo. He contacted Google's Armies to snipe us off the face of the earth. What will you do now, Moogles? The only escape is the Anime World Portal in the South Sandwich Islands, and we've already claimed it. Because we can see the future. Sayonara, suckers! They'll tell of the day Chris Pratt (as CEO of the FBI) destroyed the real world for centuries after your demise!

By the way, you're Gardenia Insurance Ltd. aren't you? I believe you stated that 'Potentially catastrophic and/or world ending damage' and 'Ex's vandalism' were both insured. I would like the promised sum ($690 000.)


15 | 2022-04-27 | Matthew <>
One day.... I was born. Then I heard a neigbours doog borking, so flew to the kitchen to get the frying pan out when I saw the most valuable thing to me at the time- air. Then I grew up and became a man on the spot, got a job, then exploded.. I was sad becas I got detonated "accidentaly" by the unicorn military. So I moved to the US to get a license for driving kamekazi cars that can illegaly fly over the border of Kentucky fried chicken, I flew to the (unicorn) Military base and got setonated again. I was bored so I got a gun and raided and ancient egyptian tomb and killed everyone like the tomb raider on the old playstation one, but more gory like DooM. Then after selling stolen artifacts on the blackmarket I got rich, and bored so I detonated The {UnICORn} military and got poor for spending alot on a nuke to destroy them and conker the warld like Will the conker head. tHen I made a fake passport to get in russia for the holidays and try not get killed. then i got bord and detonated my house that is a million pound and doller mation. then i died and got revived by my nonexistand brother.
16 | 2022-04-23 | Gunter <>
we were overjoyed when father returned from the great war and lived with us again in our stinking house on Kaiserstrasse, but our joy turned to despair when father's bones were shattered by the punching machine. My brother, whose name is Horst, sold himself to the carnival and gave us some change. I've made a fortune showing off my penis to older retirees, but unfortunately I can't remember where I buried the money. However, we are a hard working family and even my sister Irmtraud, who is slow in mind and unable to produce understandable speech, was happy to work in the brothel shit. When Mother learned that a wealthy townsman was looking for a talented blind piano tuner, she drove a red-hot awl through her eye sockets and blinded herself. But alas, she had forgotten that she was deaf, and since there were no vacancies for a blind deaf piano tuner, in her desperation she was glad to drown herself in the deep water that lives in a cave in the forest. Without the many thousands of euros that the ironworks paid father for the loss of his hands, we would be penniless. So being quite gullible and totally lacking in wit, charm, education or morals, we must patiently await news from a craft guyman who will bewitch us with such enticements that we will happily give him all the money we have hidden in a box under the linden tree in our garden.
17 | 2022-03-08 | Max Williams <>
My mum (82F) told me (12M) to do the dishes (16) but I (12M) was too busy playing Fortnite (3 kills) so I (12M) grabbed my controller (DualShock 4) and threw it at her (138kph). She fucking died, and I (12M) went to prison (18 years). While in prison I (12M) incited several riots (3) and assumed leadership of a gang responsible for smuggling drugs (cocaine) into the country. I (12M) also ordered the assassination of several celebrities (Michael Jackson, Elvis Presley and Jeffrey Epstein) and planned a terrorist attack (9/11). Mugu, AITA?
18 | 2022-01-31 | Dred Scott <>
We are two Russian brothers. We enjoy live with mother because still very sexy woman but we know soon mother will start to wrinkly and then needing for her butt to be wiped in the care of professionals. We must finding many moneys for good place for mother because only other option if not have money is take mama for boat ride on Volga River in winter and throw her in the deep black waters for make her perish. Better to have rich money from guyman. Please help.
19 | 2022-01-13 | Sir Smooshyface <>
When I was a little llama, I became accustomed to eating baguettes and drinking mothers milk inside the barn in which my parents kept me. In my free time, I would go outside and play around with my favorite toys or the other little llamas. I quite enjoyed shoving baguettes down the throats of the ones who tried to steal my things and angered me. Eventually, my father taught me how to be true gentleman and I grew a mustache.
20 | 2022-01-13 | Sunday Monkey <>Chairman Approved
Step back nonbelievers, or the rain will never come! When I was a small child of 6 or 7 I used to hitchhike to my dealer's house to score an 8 ball. I especially liked it when old unwashed men in vans with filthy curtains in the windows would stop to pick me up. Some of the men had long bushy beards with many days food nestled inside thatch of pubic bread and they would allow me to feed. Others had ravens or starlings or tanagers living within the thatch and in the beards of those men I knew such delicacies as I bit through beak and wing. The song of tiny birds being eaten from a pervert's filthy beard re-wires the pleasure centers of a 6 year old's brain in ways normal people can never understand. One day I bite in too far and I chew off old man's chin and many teeth as well. In our village of Encino, California we have a saying: You are not a man until you have accidentally eaten another man's lower jaw. So at age of 6 I become man. Now I have many filthy van of my own and
I am hiring the filthy men to drive and provide the same filthy experience to every boy who wants eat from the filthy beard. So I am rich beyond wild dreams
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