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Chairman's Selections: Life Stories
Life Stories | Sales Pitches | Nonsense | Poetry | Profanity
1 | 2023-01-20 | Bryce Allen <>
Hello. I am Bryce Allen. I was born in a poor village in Nigeria.
I was so ugly that my parents abandoned me in a field.
A wild dog found me, and raised me as her own.
A crazy Catholic priest found me at 10, raised me to be his gigolo, and sent me off on my own at 18, when I was no longer attractive to him.
I found a boat, and took it to Spain, where I was bitten by rattlesnakes, and spend 3 weeks in hospital, until I was deported by ICE to Nigeria again.
Finally, I got a job in an internet cafe in Lagos working as a scam artist.
Please send me money.

Pretty please?

2 | 2022-12-14 | John <>
Once upon a time a man had very big balls. He dragged his balls across everything.
3 | 2022-12-09 | Mary Ramirez <>
How does one facilitate the mating process? I have exhausted all possible positive overtures towards my potential female mate, and I deign to acknowledge that my advances have been met with a cold, dismissive response. I have attempted to establish rapport with the subject via a series of rehearsed jokes and small-talk, but alas, they simply do not find camaraderie in my sophisticated sense of humor. More assertive and direct advancement techniques, including overtly flirtatious remarks and body language were met with much faster, more abrupt attempts to disengage from the social interaction. I simply do not understand the flaw in my social interaction strategies. I am a good-looking male human, and I need a partner with which to ensure the continuation of my gene line. Is not my sophistication sufficient to convince members of the opposite sex that I am prime mating material? From whence have I erred in this most frustrating courting dance?
4 | 2022-08-20 | Anne Richan Smith <>
when i was born neither of my parents showed up to claim me, so the nurse trew me out of the window and i landed on a truck heading to an orphanage, unfortunately it burned out at that smae day so the truck detoured to a dumpster, where i lived for 15 years (i think), then i came out of the dumpster for the very first time and went to school to see what it was, i got bad grades but i still graduated and now i work at a car pieces vending store, if you are reading this, either talk to me or give me some bussiness opportuniuties, either way i would be grateful -anne richan smith
5 | 2022-05-20 | Dave <>
My life story. So yeah a while ago, I was at the gym, i was i was flexing a bit, working on my quads my glutoids my deltoids my trihaptoids and my polygons, and ill admit I was looking pretty damn good, sweat dripping off my chiselled abs in the sunlight and I looked over to my right and saw, I saw the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on, I tell you. She was gorgeous, rich dark hair, big blue eyes, perfect figure, the hole shebang, and I looked over to her and I winked, she looked over to me, one hand in her hair and giggled, but the game we were playing didn't last long because suddenly a guy came in trying to rob the gym, I looked into the mirror thinking what am I gonna do? So i picked up the biggest dumbbell did about a hundred reps and knocked the guy clean out with the dumbbell, I was a hero, I saved the day and the girl, she came up to me and said, Wow! How did you do that? I said, all in a days work, she asked me if I wanted to dinner and I said sure, it could be fun. Later that night we went back to my place where we made sweet love and she bore me 8 beautiful children, all of whom were Master and Grandmaster rank in overwatch and each one had an impeccable physique. One day we were all in the park when a group of black guys came up to us, nothing racist about that, they were... I could just tell something was up, y'know they were just up to no good. A few moments later they
6 | 2022-05-06 | Chris Carson <>
I've misplaced all my bones and the doctors say it'll cost two hundred trillion dollars for new ones. Please assist
7 | 2022-05-05 | Buford <>
Well, mama burnt the toast again. It's the third time, so that's gonna be a problem. I'm a 40 year old man with responsibilities and I can't be expected to do everything myself. You'd think I could at least expect the old woman to make my toast the way I like it. How the FUCK am I going to eat toast when it's FUCKING RUINED? ANSWER ME THAT, GUYMAN!! MISTER "I GOT A PLAN TO MOVE ALL THIS MONEY OUTTA THE COUNTRY BECAUSE I'M THE FORMER MINISTER OF FINANCE OF SOME FUCKING JUNGLE REPUBLIC" YOU GOT AN ANSWER FOR THAT FANCY MAN?? I didn't FUCKING think so! I'll tell you what. I've had enough of this shit. Mama's going to the fucking basement, and don't come looking for her. Email me if you want a used wheelchair that's been shat on by a stupid old woman that CAN'T EVEN MAKE A DECENT FUCKING SLICE OF TOAST!

I'm going to a go-go to get my dance on. Got my stomping' boots and my groove-walker pants and I got my pistols in my pockets, boys. I got 15 dollars and a shiny new tooth and I'll be greasin' back my hair to night. Gonna find me a high heeled woman in a tight dress and we're gonna slap the shit out of each other and spit in each other's face and she's gonna see me dance like a rooster on fire! WOOOOOHOOOO!! HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW MR GUYMAN?? When I'm dancing I don't even stop to go to the bathroom cuz when you're in the zone you just bust out a deuce right there on the dance floor and you don't even miss a beat.

8 | 2022-05-04 | Mythra Xenoblade <>
I often wonder if it was truly the right decision to move to South Georgia and the South Sandwich Islands, in pursuit of the legendary Anime World Portal. The Guru of Survival, Chris Pratt himself, told me it was baloney, to which I responded "no, that's some fine Kentucky fried Chicken right there my lad." But what I found shocked me. Sitting there right in front of me was your mom. (Who I did. It was great. Ask her, it happened last night.) But then Chris Pratt showed up. It turned out this was Chris Pratt's wife, and he was about to beat me to smithereens, because he was in denial his wife was a lesbian. That's right, I was her awakening, bitch! And this means Chris Pratt is legally your stepfather now. I don't make the rules.

He was so angry at us he decided to send the entire Google Army's forces after us. It turns out Chris Pratt, your uncle, actually works at Nintendo. He contacted Google's Armies to snipe us off the face of the earth. What will you do now, Moogles? The only escape is the Anime World Portal in the South Sandwich Islands, and we've already claimed it. Because we can see the future. Sayonara, suckers! They'll tell of the day Chris Pratt (as CEO of the FBI) destroyed the real world for centuries after your demise!

By the way, you're Gardenia Insurance Ltd. aren't you? I believe you stated that 'Potentially catastrophic and/or world ending damage' and 'Ex's vandalism' were both insured. I would like the promised sum ($690 000.)


9 | 2022-04-27 | Matthew <>
One day.... I was born. Then I heard a neigbours doog borking, so flew to the kitchen to get the frying pan out when I saw the most valuable thing to me at the time- air. Then I grew up and became a man on the spot, got a job, then exploded.. I was sad becas I got detonated "accidentaly" by the unicorn military. So I moved to the US to get a license for driving kamekazi cars that can illegaly fly over the border of Kentucky fried chicken, I flew to the (unicorn) Military base and got setonated again. I was bored so I got a gun and raided and ancient egyptian tomb and killed everyone like the tomb raider on the old playstation one, but more gory like DooM. Then after selling stolen artifacts on the blackmarket I got rich, and bored so I detonated The {UnICORn} military and got poor for spending alot on a nuke to destroy them and conker the warld like Will the conker head. tHen I made a fake passport to get in russia for the holidays and try not get killed. then i got bord and detonated my house that is a million pound and doller mation. then i died and got revived by my nonexistand brother.
10 | 2022-04-23 | Gunter <>
we were overjoyed when father returned from the great war and lived with us again in our stinking house on Kaiserstrasse, but our joy turned to despair when father's bones were shattered by the punching machine. My brother, whose name is Horst, sold himself to the carnival and gave us some change. I've made a fortune showing off my penis to older retirees, but unfortunately I can't remember where I buried the money. However, we are a hard working family and even my sister Irmtraud, who is slow in mind and unable to produce understandable speech, was happy to work in the brothel shit. When Mother learned that a wealthy townsman was looking for a talented blind piano tuner, she drove a red-hot awl through her eye sockets and blinded herself. But alas, she had forgotten that she was deaf, and since there were no vacancies for a blind deaf piano tuner, in her desperation she was glad to drown herself in the deep water that lives in a cave in the forest. Without the many thousands of euros that the ironworks paid father for the loss of his hands, we would be penniless. So being quite gullible and totally lacking in wit, charm, education or morals, we must patiently await news from a craft guyman who will bewitch us with such enticements that we will happily give him all the money we have hidden in a box under the linden tree in our garden.
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